They're Taking the Hobbits Somewhere
by Leerex
Summary: We haven't exactly figured out where, but they're definitely going somewhere. Probably.
1. The Entire Silmarillion

In the beginning was Eru Iluvatar.

And he was bored. Nothingness has an odd tendency to do that to you.

It turns out that beings of limitless power and intelligence aren't usually content to sit around not using them. This came as a surprise to no one, although this was mostly likely because no one existed to be surprised.

Existence is a vital prerequisite for that kind of thing.

So Iluvatar decided, following the grand tradition of godlike beings, that he'd populate the nothingness with life. And thus were born the Ainur, a group of angelic beings with names too difficult to remember. Except Melkor, but it would be pretty hard to forget someone with a name that unambiguously evil.

True to form, Melkor turned evil and betrayed everyone. He changed his name to Morgoth - which literally means "the enemy" - because apparently Iluvatar decided that subtlety wasn't important enough to teach the Ainur.

And so Morgoth went and secluded himself from the rest of the Ainur and made himself an army of orcs and Balrogs and other things with cool-sounding names that I totally remember, fuck you. And Iluvatar looked upon his work and saw that it was rad as fuck.

And also there were spiders that one time, I think. I'm not sure, I never finished the Silmarillion.

But anyway, that's the important part.


	2. A Long-Awaited Chapter

In the beginning, there was Bilbo.

He was too old to be an interesting protagonist, though, so in an entirely unanimous decision, the universe decided to alter the novel to focus on his younger nephew, Frodo. Bilbo was conveniently written out of the story on his 111th birthday after leaving his entire fortune to Frodo, including his precious Ring of Power, which granted Invisibility to all classes and +10 Strength to Dark Wizards.

But then twenty years passed and Frodo passed right out of middle age and into his fifties. It was at this point that Gandalf decided to show up out of nowhere and broke into Bag End unannounced.

"Sup, Frodo."

Frodo turned in surprise. Gandalf sat in the corner by the fireplace. He stood up out of his chair and hit his head.

"What up, big G?"

"Not your ceiling." He slammed his oaken staff into the floor and spacetime warped to make room for him. "Anyway, where's your jewelry box? I need your uncle's wedding band. He's getting back with his ex-wife and he doesn't want to buy new rings.

Frodo took it down from the mantelpiece and took the old gold ring out, holding it out for Gandalf. Gandalf slapped it out of Frodo's hand, knocking it into the fireplace.

"Not that one, the cheap one."

"Ah." Frodo fished out the old plastic cereal-box ring and handed it to the old wizard, who then turned to leave.

"Wait, Gandalf! Don't you have something more important to do here?"

Gandalf cocked an eyebrow at him, puzzled. "No. Why?"

"Well, I just thought you being here might be some kind of plot convenience." The fire began chanting ominously as Frodo spoke, angry at being ignored.

"Nope."

The fire sizzled in defeat as Gandalf left.

Frodo sighed. "Well. That was an anticlimax."


	3. Gandalf the Gay

Frodo awoke, his head pounding, and climbed out of bed. Going out clubbing with Merry and Pippin had turned out to be a bad idea.

He made his way to the kitchen. Empty bottles littered the table. Pippin lay passed out on the floor, a bottle of wine in a brown paper bag in one hand. His face was covered in crumbs - the bastard had eaten Frodo's breakfast.

The window was open, and a draft of cold air had spread through the house. Frodo closed it and sat down by the fireplace to warm himself.

He poked at the ashes left over from the previous night's fire. The poker knocked a little gold ring aside. Frodo saw it and picked it up, turning it over in his fingers.

"Shiny." He was still a bit drunk.

To his surprise, the ring had an inscription he hadn't noticed the night before. He was sure it was new. It read: "Property of the Dark Lord Sauron. If found, please return to Barad-Dur, the Plateau of Gorgoroth, Mordor."

As Frodo finished reading the inscription, there was a rapping knock at the door. He went to open it. Gandalf stood before him, towering over him in a Hawaiian-print shirt and sunglasses, his beard hanging down to his stomach. Another grey-bearded wizard had his arm wrapped around Gandalf's.

"Frodo!" Gandalf's voice was stern. "Your delinquent of a cousin pissed all over Dumblydore's hat."

As Frodo stood in slackjawed silence, wondering exactly how drunk he'd been to forget crossing into a different universe, Gandalf noticed the ring in his hand.

"Oh. _That's_ why I came here yesterday."


	4. A Shortcut to Hallucinogens

Frodo frowned. It's rather difficult to get around in the Shire when you're taking two alcoholics and a man with a senpai complex with you. And yet he managed, for the most part, and now found himself trudging through Farmer Maggot's crops.

"What the hell kind of a name is 'Farmer Maggot?'" he mused. Sam's head perked up at the sound of Frodo's voice.

"What do you mean?" Merry asked Frodo.

"Who in their right mind is going to buy food from a farmer named 'Maggot?' You're literally just asking for trouble that way."

Suddenly, Pippin cried aloud. "Mushrooms!"

The other three members of the party looked to see where the sound had come from. Pippin had disappeared - and though this was usually a good thing, this time he'd found food, so it suddenly became vital that they find him.

It turned out that he had stumbled off a ledge into a patch of mushrooms. This hardly came as a surprise - this was probably the eighth time this month. Pippin was very uncoordinated.

They slid down to him - Frodo's foot drove into Pippin's side as he came to a stop, probably intentionally - and took the mushrooms from him. Sam kicked Pippin again, for good measure.

The four hobbits sat down to eat the mushrooms - not acknowledging the fact that Same had on his back enough food to last them a week - and as they at, the world grew hazy.

It didn't take long for Frodo to realize what was happening.

"This entire franchise is just one big drug PSA, isn't it?


	5. Apparently They're FireGround

For some reason, ancient deathless wraiths on an endless search for a weapon of limitless value are scared of water. The hobbits had no idea what to make of this.


	6. At the Prancing Pony

Hobbits had limitless talents. Well, they were plentiful, at least. They made good ale and grew good pipeweed. That's two. I'm sure there are more.

But apparently "staying hidden" was not included among their incredibly long list of skills. Maybe "drawing attention to themselves" could be considered a talent. There. That's three.

Indeed, under any other circumstances, Aragorn would probably have given the four hobbits medals. Within a few minutes they had set the record for "shortest amount of time taken to attract the attention of literally every single patron of the Prancing Pony."

However, under the circumstances, congratulating them hardly seemed appropriate.

The Dúnedain grabbed Frodo and dragged him away as soon as the hobbit reappeared, pulling him into his room and shutting the door.

"Congratulations. You just won the attention of Mordor's finest."

Frodo stared at him, mouth agape in confusion. Aragorn sighed. "You did read the instruction manual, right?"

It was clear that he had not.


	7. Pillowfight

The endless ages of listless wandering through the void had not done much good for the ringwraiths' minds. Their wits had grown dull with the passing of the ages. Sauron really only let them keep their jobs out of pity - cries of "nepotism" were oft heard from orc lawyers who tried time and time again to remove the ringwraiths from their office. Sauron did not much appreciate this, and smote them.

And thus, Sauron got smiting practice and the ringwraiths kept their jobs for far too long.

Their shrieking upon realizing that the vaguely hobbit-shaped bundles of pillows hidden beneath the blankets were not, in fact, hobbits, was an endless source of amusement for Aragorn.

And so it was that the hobbits fled for Rivendell from Bree with their newfound companion.


End file.
